This blog is in response to the poll I did on my last blog “Did My Childhood Scar Me”
Parents are not given a “how to” guide to parent and sometimes it can feel a mind field to know what to do, say, and how to be to steer your child safely to adulthood. This can be especially difficult if your own childhood was tricky. Many parents worry about being a good parent and not negatively impacting their children, but if you are reading this chances are you are open to learning and growing which are the best quality a child needs!
As a mental health professional, I've had the privilege of working with lots of children and young people in the NHS (CAMHS), schools, youth services, domestic violence charities and within private practice. Alot of the children have experienced early trauma especially the many foster and adopted children I have worked with. Much of the therapeutic intervention, depending on age and presenting difficulties, needs dyadic therapy (parent and child together) or one-on-one sessions with parents to facilitate child-centered reflective practice and Psychoeducation on the affects of trauma, attachment and parenting strategies. This is because a child’s emotional regulation, self-esteem, ability to form healthy relationships, as well as heal from trauma, is deeply shaped by their primary caregivers, environment, and experiences.
When a child struggles with emotional instability, strengthening their attachment to their primary caregiver can be key (see Did My Childhood Scar Me? for more on this).
Through the lens of Attachment Theory (Bowlby 1958, Ainsworth 1969, Main 1986) and Dan Hughes’ therapeutic parenting model, (Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy and PACE 1980), and based on my own experiences, this blog explores practical ways to foster security in your child. Whether you’re curious, anxious, or feeling lost, I hope you find this helpful!
What Do Children Need?
The truth is children don’t need perfect parents—they need good enough ones. Psychologist Donald Winnicott introduced the " Good Enough Parent " (1953) emphasizing that it's not about never making mistakes but about being present, responsive, and attuned to your child’s needs.
When I was in my 20's I remember a friend referring to his children as “little people”, a phrase that has stuck with me reminding me that children are individuals—under the guidance and influence of parents only temporarily before stepping into their own lives. When we really recognise that children will one day be adults with their own voices and opinions and perspectives, we come with a new sense of respect and privilege to not only nurture their sense of self, but also lay the foundation for a healthier, more balanced adult to adult relationship in the future.
When thinking about what children need to feel secure, there are some really helpful frameworks I keep in mind:
The Four S’s of Attachment (Dan Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson - The Power of Showing Up): To feel Safe, Seen, Soothed, and Secure.
PACE (Dan Hughes’ and Kim Golding - Creating Loving Attachments): Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy. Though designed for children with early trauma, I find this deeply important for improving all attachment.
Better You, Better Me
Before diving into some areas to consider, one of the most important areas to focus on is a parent’s ability, and capacity, to reflect on their own experiences When parents take time to explore and process how their own childhood has shaped their strengths, difficulties, triggers and patterns of parenting, this self-awareness allows for improved responsiveness over reactiveness to their children. Improving your overall mental health is only a positive!
As Siegel and Hartzell say in Parenting from the Inside Out (2003):
"How you make sense of your childhood experiences has a profound effect on how you parent your children."
By being curious and compassionate about our past, we can create space to show up in a grounded, attuned way. This kind of reflection isn’t always easy, but it’s a powerful step toward fostering deeper connection and security in all our relationships.
Ideas for Raising Secure Children
Fill Up Your Cup First! A well-nourished parent can better support their child’s emotional needs. Prioritize activities that bring you joy, energy and relaxation. A happy and calmed system is a start! Addressing exercise, sleep and good nutrition are also beneficial.
From ‘Naughty’ to Need seeing "naughty Behaviour" as emotional expression can really help in both your understanding and approach. Focusing on "what did my child need?" "can help in staying responsive,not reactive. This helps children learn better emotional communication and management, feel a continued connection with you, and know that all feelings are acceptable.
Be Curious It can help lower frustration by asking “What’s going on for them?” Curiosity helps deepen a relationship and attune to a child’s needs, lowering shame, shut down and shouting!
One-to-One Magic Just 20 minutes of uninterrupted, fully present time with each of your children can make a huge difference to their attachment. It strengthens connection and reassures them that they are valued and loved.
You're a Model! How you handle stress, communicate, and treat others shapes their blueprint for how to navigate life. Be mindful of the example you’re setting.
Play is Serious Business! Following your child’s lead in play makes them feel seen and known. Imaginary play helps a child process, develop creativity, and strengthen emotional and social intelligence. It's also really helpful to be in the present moment, let go and have fun!
Verbalise and Praise Reflecting little moments you see of kindness, generosity, funniness, patience, carefulness etc is helpful for reaffirmation and emotional literacy in your child.
Communication is Key Tone of voice, facial expression, and body language matter as much as words. Consider how you are engaging. Younger children are still learning which is why some over exaggeration can be helpful! Did you know only 7% is communicated through words?! The rest is tone of voice and body language! (Mehrabian 1971)
They’re Not Mini-Yous! Your child is their own person, with their own thoughts, dreams, and personality. Show acceptance and curiosity for who they are as individuals.
Boundaries Are Love in Action Creating family values together can be really helpful (house rules) Boundaries aren’t about control—they’re about structure, security and safety leading to respect, responsibility, and self-regulation. This also includes identifying and respecting your child's boundaries eg physical affection, their space etc.
Reflect, Empathise, Reassure Reflecting what you see, letting them know their feelings are ok, offering comfort and soothing reaffirms a child’s sense of safety even when their emotions get tricky.
Be Consistent! Consistency creates predictability and safety helping kids to understand the world and build trust in their parent/s. Constant changing boundaries, reactivity and responsivity can be confusing and unsettling for a child
Rupture and Repair Disagreements are inevitable, but showing that disagreements don’t have to end in avoidance, anger, or resentment is really powerful. Apologizing when you mess up models accountability and repair.
Share the Joy Laugh together,celebrate small moments, and remember they won’t be little forever—embrace the fun while it lasts, childhood is magical!
Final Thoughts
Raising a secure child isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being present, reflective, and loving. When children feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure, they develop confidence and emotional resilience.
The journey of parenting is as much about your own growth as it is about your child’s. Taking time to reflect on your experiences, staying curious about your child’s needs, and prioritizing connection over perfection lays the foundation for a lifelong relationship built on trust, respect, and love.
Remember, small, consistent efforts make the biggest impact. Whether it’s a playful moment, a warm hug, or simply listening with empathy, every interaction is an opportunity to strengthen your child’s sense of security, identity and view of the world.
You’ve got this! 💛
If you have found this helpful and would like to find out if working with me in psychotherapy could be helpful then book a FREE 20 min call.
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