Many of us wonder if our childhood has impacted who we are today. If certain behaviours or emotional responses feel like they've always been part of you, you're not alone. Our early experiences shape us in ways we may not even realize. The good news is that our brains are malleable, and while our past influences us, we have the power to reshape ourselves and our future.
The Informative Years
At birth, our brains are only about 25% of their adult size, making us highly vulnerable and dependent on caregivers. Unlike other species, human babies are born in a state of developmental immaturity, unable to regulate emotions, understand the world, or communicate complex needs. This vulnerability underscores the crucial role caregivers play in shaping emotional and cognitive development.
In the first few years, our brains grow rapidly forming connections (called synapses) between neurons, at an astonishing rate. At birth, we have about 50 trillion synapses and within the first two years of life we form 1-2 million new synapses per second, reaching approximately 1,000 trillion synapses by age three—the peak of synapse formation! By age 11, synaptic 'pruning' begins; frequently used connections are strengthened, and others are eliminated. After 11, synaptic formation continues, but at a much slower rate. Norman Doidge, The Brain That Changes Itself (Viking, 2007)
These early experiences lay the foundation for emotional regulation, cognitive processing, identity, and social behaviors. Our brains continue to develop into our mid-20s, which means early relationships, particularly with caregivers, significantly influence our adult lives. The emotional bond and relationship formed in these early relationships between a child and their primary carer(s) is known as Attachment.
So What is Attachment?
Attachment is all about how we relate to others and in turn ourselves. John Bowlby, a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, developed attachment theory in the 1950's to understand the emotional bond between infants and caregivers and its impact on emotional and social development. He was deeply influenced by his student, Mary Ainsworth's research called The Strange Situation, which identified the importance of the attachment bond.
The Types of Attachment, Explained Simply
In the 1970's Mary Ainsworth went on to categorise Attachment into Secure and Insecure. With two types of Insecure Attachment: Anxious (Ambivalent) and Avoidant Attachment. in the 1980s Mary Main then added a further category of Disorganised Attachment.
Secure Attachment: The child feels safe and confident to explore the world, seeks comfort from their caregiver when distressed, and trusts that their needs will be met. The child has good self esteem, trust in others and well regulated.
Care received: Consistent, responsive care giving that attunes to the child's emotional needs and fosters a sense of safety and warmth. The caregiver expresses delight in their child and can celebrate any differentiating qualities of their child.
Anxious (Ambivalent) Attachment: The child is anxious, dependent, and struggles to explore the world, often clingy and struggles with separation, needing reassurance. They seek closeness but may resist comfort.
Care received: Inconsistent and unpredictable care giving, particularly in emotional support, causing anxiety and ambivalence in the child.
Avoidant Attachment: The child appears emotionally distant and self-reliant, not seeking comfort when distressed and avoiding emotional closeness. They seem unbothered if their carer is present or not. They may even hide or suppress feelings.
Care received: Emotionally distant care giving that may meet physical needs but fails to offer emotional warmth, leading the child to withdraw emotionally.
Disorganized Attachment: The child displays contradictory behaviors, such as approaching the caregiver but then withdrawing. They may struggle to regulate emotions and show confusion especially when stressed resulting in erratic and unpredictable engagements to their caregivers.
Care received: Inconsistent, frightening or neglectful caregiving, leading to confusion about safety and trust and reliability from the child.
Whilst nature and nurture both influence attachment nurture has been proven as being of more significant. While nature affects temperament and attachment tendencies, the quality of care giving determines whether an attachment is Secure or Insecure.
Whilst it can be helpful to reflect on our early formative years and see patterns within behaviours it is helpful to not focus on blame as it is worth noting that other elements can also impact attachment such as trauma, health and developmental difficulties, environmental stability, neurodivergence, and importantly a parent's own mental health. Sometimes a mismatch between a parent's care giving style and a child's temperament, needs or communication style for example can also contribute.
How Does This Impact You Now?
Your attachment style and early life experiences affect not only how your brain develops but it also shapes how you learnt to handle emotions, cope with stress, and relate to others in all aspects of life. Those with insecure attachments may struggle with trust, fear rejection, or feel anxious in social situations. They may find it hard to ask for help or set boundaries. In contrast, individuals with secure attachment are generally more resilient, self-confident, and capable of building fulfilling relationships.
However, you’re not stuck with your early attachment style. Attachment is not fixed—it can change over time, especially with significant intimate relationships or personal growth through therapy or self-reflection. We can develop a 'secondary Attachment' which can be different to our childhood experience. Healthy relationships with friends, partners, or therapists can help shift and heal attachment patterns.
So How Do We Know What Attachment Style We Have?
There are a few specific assessment tools that can be used by professionals if you want a go down that route however the best place to start is to reflect on your past and present relationships to understand how you react emotionally and behaviourally. If you feel comfortable trusting others and seeking support, you likely have a secure attachment style. If intimacy is difficult, and you find you push and pull, or you’re overly anxious about relationships, it may suggest an insecure attachment style. The key marker can often be how harmonious your internal world feels.
It may be helpful to consider your childhood and the care you received. Did you feel your emotions were met and you felt safe, seen and known? Was your care unpredictable, punishing, overly intrusive, controlling or absent?
You may also start noticing the ways you cope with stress and conflict or perhaps someone wanting closeness to you. You may feel anxious, rejecting or avoidant.
Can We Heal?
In short yes because our brains have "plasticity", the capacity to change and grow and we can strengthen and weaken synapses but it takes time, practice, patience, self-awareness and self-compassion.
"The brain is capable of remarkable transformation, and what we do with it can shape our destiny."
Norman Doidge in The Brain That Changes Itself
Journalling and talking with people you trust can help as can accessing an attachment based therapy like psychotherapy (like mine) can be really helpful. Healing doesn’t erase the past, but raising awareness, processing difficult emotions, learning how to increase self compassion and manage your emotions are all positive steps to a more secure self.
Moving Forward
Childhood impacts us in different ways. Some may carry wounds, while others experience secure, nurturing relationships. The crucial point is that you don't need to be stuck or blaming your childhood as we have the choice to grow, heal, and change.
Your brain is malleable and capable of creating new pathways. So, if you’re wondering whether your childhood has scarred you, remember that while the scars may exist, you have the ability to heal them and create a future where you feel secure, loved, and emotionally well.
Thank you for reading this blog! I hope you found it insightful. Don’t forget to leave your thoughts in the comments below and share this post with your friends. Stay tuned for more updates next month or better still why not subscribe? www.citysolacepsychotherapy.com
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Parenting tips for raising a secure child
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