Can Positivity Be Toxic? When Optimism Does More Harm Than Good

"Look on the bright side." "Everything happens for a reason." "Good vibes only." "Happiness is a choice." "Just think positive!" "Smile and the world smiles with you." "What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger."

We hear these phrases everywhere—on social media, in self-help books and from well-meaning friends. Positivity is often seen as the key to happiness, a mindset that promises success, resilience, and even better health. But can positivity ever be harmful? Can too much of it, or the wrong kind, actually make us feel worse?

In our fast-paced world filled with self-improvement advice and quick-fix solutions, the "think positive" movement has never been more prominent. While positivity is undeniably powerful, there’s a fine line between healthy optimism and toxic positivity. In this blog, we'll explore how well-intentioned encouragement can sometimes dismiss real emotions, create guilt, and block genuine connection—and what we can do instead.

We've all met people who are eternally positive—every word they say finds the silver lining and adds a rainbow to every situation. While this can be uplifting and helpful, it can also leave some people feeling inadequate, guilty, or frustrated (and, in turn, guilty for feeling that way!). They may feel like they’re getting in our own way, as if they’re purposefully sabotaging their our lives or being lazy for not simply working harder to think differently and being more like those people.

So when does Positivity Become Toxic?

Positivity becomes toxic when it oversimplifies, minimizes, avoids, and dismisses thoughts, feelings, or experiences.

We, as humans, are wonderfully complex and should feel a full range of emotions. All emotions are helpful; they help us navigate the calm and choppy waters of life, steering us both away from and towards people, places, and experiences. Whilst not all emotions feel pleasant, if we have internalized and experienced (beginning in childhood) that all emotions are safe to feel and be around, we are less likely to need to avoid, dismiss, or quickly fix them. In turn, if we have experienced this, we have simultaneously experienced that it is safe to be vulnerable, as vulnerability is valued, respected, and listened to.

Vulnerability takes courage—it’s as if we are reaching out a hand to be held, and toxic positivity offers us a high five.

How can Positivity be Harmful?

• Suppresses emotions: Pushing away emotions is not helpful, nor is encouraging other people to ignore theirs. This can lead to further unresolved emotional pain and can even create difficult cycles of coping mechanisms resulting in increased comfort-seeking behaviours such as comfort eating, drinking and drug use, online shopping, self-harm, gambling, etc.

• Creates guilt/shame: When we feel big feelings, it can be scary. We all want to be told we are OK and that we are not alone. Overt positivity can exacerbate these feelings and create internal shame. If we feel a sense of shame for our feelings, we can feel a desire to find a “quick fix” to avoid feeling them. The problem is, those feelings aren't resolved and will likely resurface, often in a louder, more obvious way, and we end up feeling more alone.

• Blocks authentic connection: Overt positivity can stop people from expressing their true struggles and getting real support. When we are in pain, we look for comfort and soothing, often from other people. Opening up and sharing vulnerability takes courage. When our experience and pain aren’t acknowledged or seen by another, it can create more of a sense of isolation. Attuning to someone’s feelings doesn’t mean we have to “feel” those feelings but it allows for connection, acceptance, and compassion.

• Dismisses individuality: Positivity can dismiss an individual experience, not allowing them to carry their own story, their own past, and their own insight, and—most importantly—their own journey.

• Dodges discomfort: Overtly positive people can unconsciously (or consciously) be avoiding certain emotions to prevent triggering those feelings and experiences in themselves. When certain emotions haven't been safe to feel, it can trigger avoidance of emotions like disappointment, sadness, worry and anger.

So How do We Find the Balance?

We are all looking for connection, right? We all want to feel valued, worthy, loved, and accepted. We want to feel part of the pack. So these are important points to consider:

• Acknowledge and validate: Acknowledge that all emotions are valid and allow space for them. Instead of saying to ourselves and others, "Just be positive," a better response might be, "That sounds really hard. I'm here for you."

• Caring without carrying: Often, people sharing difficult emotions don’t need us to carry the burden or fix anything; they just want companionship—to feel their feelings are safe. In turn, we can help them navigate their own experience of life.

• Everyone’s story is unique: Remembering everyone is unique—their stories, experiences, and resources will all be different. Therefore, we have to meet people where they are, listen, empathise, and offer encouragement.

• Share gratitude: If someone is opening up and sharing their feelings it means they are trusting you with their vulnerability, which takes courage. At these points their self esteem and/or confidence has probably taken a knock so thanking that person for trusting you can make them, and their feelings, feel valued.

A brief tweak in our response can make all the difference:

Imagine a friend shares: "I’ve been feeling really down lately, and I just can’t seem to shake it."

A response fueled by toxic positivity might sound like:"No way! you have so much to be grateful for! You should just focus on all the good things!"

But a response that acknowledges their experience and fosters connection could be:"That sounds really difficult. Do you want to talk about it? I'm here to listen."

Embracing Positivity Without the Toxicity

Positivity, when used wisely, can be a powerful tool for resilience and hope. But when it overshadows real emotions, dismisses struggles, or pressures people to "just be happy," it can do more harm than good. True emotional well-being isn’t about forcing happiness—it’s about creating space for all feelings, both the light and the dark, and recognizing that both have value.

Instead of using positivity as a shield against discomfort, we can strive for genuine connection, emotional validation, and compassionate presence. A simple shift from “Just be positive” to “That sounds really tough—I’m here for you” can make all the difference.

By allowing ourselves and others to feel without judgment, we build deeper relationships, stronger emotional resilience, and a more authentic experience of life—one that embraces the full spectrum of human emotion. After all, growth happens not by avoiding the storm but by learning how to weather it.

If you have found this helpful and would like to find out if working with me in psychotherapy could be helpful then book a FREE 20 min call. 

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